I must warn you. If you don't believe in Christ as your personal savior you might not be interested in this posting. I would encourage you to read the posting, because it's an in sight into my life... you know... the real life that happens behind closed doors. The warning is there, because if you don't know God's real love for you and think He's a fairy tale you will think I'm crazy.
I also did not proof read. I just poured thoughts into the keyboard and sent it in hopes of it being as real as possible.
A week ago I had a string of really good days. Life was good. Life was organized, and controlled. Alynna wasn't teething. Kaeley was sweet and argue-free. Then, I guess the moon changed or something, but over night those days were thrown by the way side and my life crashed back loudly to normal.
While adore many of Kaeley's qualities she has always been a bit of a puzzle to us adults. Her "issues" always revolve around her wanting to be older than she really is. I try to give her times to shine and act like an adult, but since she's five she will often to take that to a new level and become everyone's boss, including mine and Brad's. Well, she tries.
Wednesday night she went from being my easy-going sweetheart to hormonal adolescent. Sigh. I hope she gets all this junk out of her system before she really is an adolescent. What a challenge! Brad and I are now met with eye rolling, sighs, sassyness.
The little girl. I often pray for her. I am constantly praying for myself and for Brad at times like these. I pray for wisdom. How can it be that we raised such a bratty kid at times? Where did we go wrong? I pray for guidance in disciplining. Do I talk too much to her? Am I too hard on her? I pray for discernment. What is it that I should really be saying at this time? Doesn't she understand?
I often get caught up in the moment and am overwhelmed by the challenge that is Kaeley. Today she woke up not only her brother this morning, which made him incredibly weepy and grumpy by afternoon, but she also woke up her sister after nap, so I had a clingy and screaming baby early evening. It's times like this that I again get on my knees for the poor five year old and ask God what I'm doing wrong. She must be doing this for attention, right? Maybe our life would be perfect if she were an old child and I could pour everything into our relationship. Doesn't it seem so sweet to only have the one? Maybe we push her to the side in order to tend to the little ones. Maybe that's why she is acting this way. I go back to praying for myself.
This evening, as it was Monday, we hosted two to three of Brad's work friends. This is the only real guy time that Brad has, so I try my best to provide a homey atmosphere for the single guys visiting and I try my best to keep the kids occupied and away from the game table. Tonight was loud. Tonight was messy. Tonight all I wanted was to leave the house, leave the loud and the messy behind, and go get an enormous milkshake with chunks of chocolate in which to pour all of my tears and insecurities.
I had to catch myself a couple of times as I cleaned the kitchen. "Was I really meant to be a mother?" Am I the only woman who has such a thought? How can a life be so extreme? I love having the children and the craziness of the multiples, since I was a lonely-only. And then other days I wonder what the hell I was thinking! What's up with that? I must be schizo. However, I digress. I hear they do that a lot. Anyway. I catch myself and remind myself that it was a difficult night, things might be better tomorrow. The insecure thoughts begin to sneak out into the open. Now it's quiet in the house, so it's time for the nasty little lies to come snarl and gnash at me. I cower and wonder if they're true. Could what they're saying be how it is? I close my eyes and think, "No. No. I won't let you get the better of me!" The ugly beasts continue to crawl closer, growing more real and violent as they approach. It's time for truth.
I put on my iPod earphones and let the music blare. If I go deaf I'm prepared. I know Sign Language. The creatures that were hiding look around in confusion. "You make all things new." They know what's happening, and they look at each other. What to do next, they think. "All my delight is in You LORD." Oh no, they think. She's being reminded of the truth. They begin to back away. Truth is continued to be sung into my ears, into my mind, and sinks in deeply. The evil lies turn to go. It's no point even trying now.
I am pulled out of the moment of a tough week. No more do I think of the battle ground. I think only of the LORD's overwhelming love for me, sinner that I am. I must trust in Him as I grope my way along this life. Today Kaeley asked me, "How do you raise a kid?" I almost said, "Goodness if I know." However, I answer, "You pray a lot. You just pray." Will tomorrow be another frustrating day? All signs point to yes. However, I have my worship music ready to remind me that God can take care of Kaeley and myself and leave peace in His wake all at the same time.
For now I can only trust in God for a good night's sleep.
Thank You, Lord Jesus, for loving someone such as I. I am so prideful and evil. You lift me up and set me on high places. In the midst of darkness I find You and cling to You. I thank You openly for Your forgiveness. Thank You for giving me hope. Thank You that You alone are truth.
I am small, but YOU are big enough. I am weak, but YOU are stong enough to take my dreams. Come and give them wings. LORD, with YOU there's nothing I cannot do. Take my dreams. Come and give them wings. LORD, with YOU there's nothing I cannot do. My hands. My feet. My everything. My life. My LORD will use me.
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