My mother has the children for a couple of hours this morning. I have just cried until my voice came into wailing and moaning. To think that I have now seen two of my babies not make it to more than a handful of being. I have seen their hands. I have seen their forms. I have seen them in the dark. When I close my eyes I have seen their bodies.
When Noah passed I looked up at heaven and cried allowed, "Why? God! Why? I don't understand!" I repeated it over and over and over again. I do not get it. Didn't God know that I couldn't stand up after another late miscarriage? Here I was, in my bathroom alone, reliving a nightmare I had just healed from not four years ago.
I have now cried until my head hurts and I need warm compresses to rest on my tired eyes.
However, I will stand strong. The enemy comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. And as God as my serious witness for sure, this will not kill me! This will not kill my faith!
This is not the ending for me. This is not the end to our story. This is only the beginning. Don't get me wrong. I'm still going to cry. I'm still going to mourn the child that we were making a way for in our home. We had blankets set aside for him. We had a room for his bed. We were planning names. I was eating to protect his health. Now all that is gone. How can I not mourn? He's gone.
But, I can tell you one thing for sure... God is faithful to me and at this time I will be faithful to Him!
There's a song I had fallen in love with a month back or so, and now I can't get enough of it. It's by BarlowGirl. It's my prayer.
Oh, tragedy
Has taken so many
Love lost cause they all
Forgot who You were
And it scares me to think
That I would choose
My life over You
Oh, my selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart
So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?
Oh, why do I
Let myself let go
Of Hands that painted the stars
And hold tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart
Makes me forget
It's not me, but You
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without You
And dying from me
So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?
Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful
And at the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful?
So beautiful?
Will my life
Find me by Your side?
'Cause Your love is beautiful
So beautiful.
No, this is not our ending. It is only the beginning. And I will finish strong.
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