For His Glory...

I've come to see that I've sculpted myself a beautiful little idol. It's dressed in fashionable clothes that work for playgrounds and sitting cross-legged on the floor, but fancier than sweat pants. It enjoys getting out of the clean house to go on adventures. It finds peace in quiet surroundings. It looks forward to quiet time and routine. It looks for comfort. This little golden calf of mine looks an awful lot like me. Well, not exactly like me per-say. It looks like what I like to pretend to be.

This year I've felt a calling to go deeper in Christ. Good. That means more Bible studies besides what I'm already doing, right? Um, I think He's answering gently, and some what firmly, the answer is no. I'm hearing that familiar whisper that pulls on hearts, "Go home." How more of a stay-at-home mom can one get? I don't work outside the house and am with the four children almost constantly. As it turns out I've got a long way to go.

Today instead of the usual Friday park day with friends that can last for hours and hours I stayed home. This is a huge change for me, because I love park days. I come home ready to conquer the rest of the day. My friends remind me I can keep fighting the good fight.

Today at home there is more laundry than I have quarters for. The house is in shambles. Clean laundry, toys, trash, pillows, groceries bought yesterday, and learning supplies litter the floor. As I write Simon is shaking a box of colored pencils in the air. Pencils are dropping to the floor. Oh well, it's buying me some peace.

What is this peace that I thought I've felt before? Maybe it was a level of peace the LORD granted me as He waited for me to want more. Today, in the mess, I spent much time with Alynna and Nathan. I was often chased by a crying baby whose shirt is soaked in drool. I checked in on Kaeley who took a good three and a half hours to do one page of Math and copy one poem. I've visited my friends: the washer and drier. I have a load and a half done and there's plenty more to go. Actually the clothes I'm wearing now will be going in the laundry hopefully before Brad comes home. I find myself asking, "Since when have I become a canvas for baby food and boogers and slime?" The whisper says nothing, but I can feel the serious look of a parent who gives a child a stern look to warn that a line is about to be crossed. I am humbled. Since when did I see myself as some sort of queen to be coddled? 

I am intensely aware this morning of my need for a Savior. I want to say I'm ashamed of what I've understood as servanthood, but at the same time I can honestly say that I'm excited. That seems a bit extreme even to me. Excited? Maybe filled with anticipation. The old must be pruned away to make room for the new.

My day is not much different than yours. Do you also feel a thrill of happiness to serve children for whom you've prayed for and also yearn for a quiet corner of a Starbucks? Don't you also wish the house could just be clean all the time? My life is privileged. Yet the chores and obligations pierce my heart in a new way today. As I complain I know this is God's loving way to wake me up and save me from myself. He draws me into His arms as I drown in apathy and comfort. May I find joy in His pruning away all that I've identified as success. I will learn to seek Him first rather than family or friends or Starbucks. :) He and I will talk through out the day, because there will be no one else to turn to when I look towards home. And may He be glorified through my story this year. May I learn to live with hands and schedule open. May I be taught to live in simplicity rather than entitlement. And, lastly, may I find joy in Him over all and in all. Amen!